Food For Thought (That Might Break Your Teeth)
These are just a few of the many negative thoughts that ran through my mind Saturday while I was running my ass off for you fucking douchebags.
1) I have no idea what can possess someone to be so rude and belligerent to another human being that they don’t even know that they would make that human being cry. I have been a waitress for a year and a half and I have never, ever had a table make me cry until tonight. I hate to even admit that a table managed to make me cry. A couple of tables almost managed it – you grocery store bitches actually accomplished it. I hope you’re fucking proud of yourselves. Just because your husband left you and you’re in a shitty mood gives you absolutely no right at all to cuss me out and demand that you get your meals comped just because we were out of Jager. However, I extend a huge thanks to the lady in the group who came up to me after the whole debacle and apologized on behalf of everyone. (Even if you all did leave me a shitty fucking tip.)
2) Parents, CONTROL YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN. I’m seriously fucking tempted to put a sign on the party room door that says “Groups of children under 18 must be accompanied by an adult.”
3) Just because it’s your sixteenth birthday doesn’t mean you’re hot shit. I wanted to say to you, “BITCH, I will be 21 two weeks from today. When YOU can legally crack a beer, THEN call me. Oh, and if you’re gonna, even jokingly, try to order a glass of wine, at least get the fucking pronunciation correct. You’re SIXTEEN. Order that glass of pinot grigio in five years, with proper ID, and I’ll be ever-so-fucking-happy to get it for you. While I’m ranting at you, yelling the word ‘twatmuncher’ so loudly that the whole restaurant can hear you is not the best display of maturity.”
4) A grand total of $9.00 for a tip on a $200.00 bill, when the other server and I gave you good service, is inexcusable. Period.
5) Remember that your waitress is a person. Would you go up to someone you don’t even know and say some of the things you all said to me tonight? No, you fucking wouldn’t. I am a person, not a robot – I have feelings and as much as I try not to let it show, they are easily hurt. The next time your waitress or waiter walks up to your table, FUCKING REMEMBER THAT.